Stealing blankets
It appears a rumor has been spreading that I steal blankets.

This is the sort of thing that, if it gets around, can seriously damage a guy's reputation. I wish to put a stop to it right now. It is intolerable to me that people who might consider sharing my bed would get the idea that I'm the sort of thug who just goes in and casually takes any blanket he might fancy. Let me set the record straight.

I do not steal blankets. Ever. Stealing blankets is low and undignified. I might, sometimes, borrow them until morning, but I do not steal them.

On the other hand, I do steal pillows. I take this very seriously. I do not simply reach over and snag a pillow from someone who happens to be in the same bed as me--that has no class whatsoever. When I decide to go after a pillow, it sometimes takes months of planning.

First of all, there is selection of the pillow; what value would there be in taking a pillow with no bounce, or one that didn't yield properly? I research very carefully before selecting the pillow to be stolen.

I have the fence lined up before I ever make a move--what is the point of stealing the pillow if you can't unload it at a good profit? Then, of course, there is making sure and double sure of my entry and egress. I want to know that if, say, a dog wakes up at the wrong moment, he won't even get a glimpse of my face..

As for the theft itself, well, the less said about that the better; we all have our trade secrets. Rest assured (a little joke there) that if I've decided on your pillow, you may as well call your insurance company right now and start looking for replacement value. There has never been a pillow alarm system made that can keep me out.

Sweet dreams.